Check in With Yourself: Coping with Covid 19 Disappointments.
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Like for many of us the holiday season is filled with great expectations of reconnecting with family and love ones. A time to move on from the covid induced disconnect of the past few years. Alas, we must still face yet another season of sacrifice and disappointment. A new wave of massive covid infections brings restrictions and broken plans either by illness or even a break down of our transportation systems. It is enough to make one scream and sink into an abyss of despair. Personally, I too feel the pressing need to find a path a way from gloom and doom.
As I wait for sunnier days and hopefully better times I am reminded of the advice I so often gave my clients. Why not take this time to check in with yourself to see how you are coping and plan to adjust?
How is your WOW vs UGH ratio? This is a subjective assessment of how much of the time do you find excitement and enjoyment in life rather than how much of the time is focussed on thinking and complaining about the bad events around us. When our vision or experience of good or wow is low and our feelings of bad or UGH is high, it is easy to become down and get stuck in the abyss. Watching the news for instance can drive a person to stay super focused on political, environmental and interpersonal calamities. Yes they do exist and need attention. However, when we binge on the news we can find ourselves neglecting to see the bigger picture. There is still a lot of good taking place.
Wow or exciting positive experiences need not be grand or expensive events. Wow can be found even in the smallest moments if only we are open to observe. Coping during the seasons of covid my wife and I became vested in birding. Walks in parks, sea shores and lakes become an adventure in noticing the larger nature of other species that we share our planet with. Others I know track wildflowers or insects. Even if one is not so inclined to learn about our planetary friends just a walk in nature taking time to breathe and listen can be very uplifting. A gray sky is not just dark and frightening but rather it can be seen as a palate of various shades of gray that swirls into patterns of interesting light. When you walk your dog take time to notice the small unusual events taking place right in front of our eyes such as home decorations and the buds of a plant that brings promise of spring.
When checking in with yourself consider your Exposed Nerves (EN’s). These EN’s are sensitivities imbedded within us usually from our early childhood or from a trauma. We all have them. Often they are related to concerns about failure and rejection. How we have reacted in the past to these issues can still be playing out in the present. The EN’s are usually subconscious and get set off by events around us either by our own creation or accidentally by others who are unaware of our unresolved sensitive EN’s.
Notice when you begin to bicker with the world. Are you being defensive, demanding or overly critical of others? Are you blaming others while denying your own imperfections.? Was the event that has just occurred really life threatening or Horrible, Awful, Terrible (HAT)? When we are stuck in the abyss we can lose perspective and react too sensitively to events that are just disappointments rather that HAT events. Accepting our own imperfections and those of others can move us to resolve conflicts rather than compete for whom to blame. An outburst is a message that someone is struggling to express rather than an attack on our self esteem. As we calm down address this message rather than deny the feelings.
Check in with your sense of being positive. Can we see the good in others to find the good in ourselves? In the abyss our vision and worldly view has shifted toward seeing only the worst in others. We forget to say thank you, give compliments and express love to our most important companions. How many sincere positive comments did you give your spouse, children or friends today?
Being positive reflects putting events into perspective. Covid has certainly been awful when focussing on lives lost but we can hope for better when one considers our ability to develop vaccines and develop preventive measures. Every generation has had to face difficult times but keeping a positive perspective has led to finding solutions. At bedtime, as I let go of the day”s events, I take a few moments to remember what was productive and positive this day rather than dwell on disappointments.
Check out your relationship to your companion. In the abyss it is easy to become self-centered, me,me,me. We lose sight of staying other-centered, considerate and willing to compromise. A relationship will also wither on the vine if we stop courtship. When we courted and fell in love we tried to make sure to see the good in our partner and impress upon them through our actions to see the good in us. Many relationship over time can fall into acting out failed unresolved scripts written by our parents that are not reflective our our current lives. These relationships become an endless string of tripping over unresolved EN’s.
So in these difficult and disappointing times we have a choice. We can rededicate ourselves to living on the positive ever growing Experience Road of Life. A journey of continuing to learn from our experiences. Or we can fall into the abyss of the Failure Road of Life obsessively focused on negativity and conflict.
Take some time to check in with yourself. Write down what you become aware of and develop a plan to change your beliefs and behaviors. Write a few goals such remembering to say 5 sincere positive comments daily to love ones. To help you remember post these goals on your bathroom vanity mirror. Keeping them in plain sight will help to stay focused.
Checking in with yourself is a far more constructive way to spend your time as we cope with covid 19 disappointments. I wish everyone a happy holiday season and hope for only the best in the new year.
Dr. Michael Simon
PS. For more on the concepts I mentioned check out my book. The Two Roads of Life: Navigating Yourself and Family to Health and Contentment. PathBinder Publishing.
