When The Truth Is Found To Be Lies!

blog 33

This has been a particularly sad week across the globe. It is painful to watch the events unfold in Afghanistan. Climate change affects are still rampantly progressing in all regions of the world. Covid-19 is still casting its horrifying reach into our daily lives. Tensions are high and people are turning against each other. It seems out of control. Its enough to make any therapist cry.

If I was still in practice I would be facing anxious and frightened patients who would be asking for my advice on how to cope with these concerns. So many times over the years I had been called upon in the face of traumas to help bring about peace of mind. The process first begins with finding my own answer to this dilemma. It is not an easy task.

As I struggle to find my own inner peace a song lyric begins to surface into my consciousness. In 1967 another turbulent time in our country's history, the Vietnam War, the band Jefferson Airplane released a song entitled “Somebody to Love”. This lyric hit home and gave voice to my own anxious feelings.

“When the truth is found to be lies. And all the joy within you dies. Don’t you want somebody to love. Don’t you need somebody to love. Wouldn’t you love somebody to love. You better find somebody to love,love, love.”

In that time a great shift in values were taking place. Children questioned parental control while citizens questioned governmental direction. Over and over the Truth’s we were told seemed more like Lies. Sadly it is still so relevant today.

If you have been following my previous blogs I have been repeatedly drawing comparisons between how families and governments function. I call it The Family as a Country model. In a well functioning system the the children /citizens trust the parents/leaders especially when truth is consistent with experiences. Yet when those in charge lead us by lies and trust is lost the result is often chaos.

In my years of providing family and couples therapy rebuilding trust is the most difficult task. It is possible to establish a better model to run the family/country. It seems easier to address the needs of the individual adults/leaders and children/citizens while promoting a fair system of rules. The foundation system of love and attention presents a major challenge toward fostering trust in each other which is necessary for the success of the country/family. The same holds true for couples. It is possible to address the needs and complaints yet reestablishing a sense of love and trust presents a major obstacle towards an improved relationship.

The personal development for many of my patients were significantly devoid of unconditional love and positive attention. As they grew up hope became despair, happiness became anger and a positive self acceptance became guilt and rejection. These dynamics were then played out on the stage of dysfunctional families and destructive relationships. It is difficult to give love when you personally don’t know how that feels. Addressing this aspect involved many levels of intervention.

To begin this process one has to let go of years of stored up anger and to learn to forgive those who failed to show you how love feels. Secondly it is important to improve communication skills especially listening. Growing up without good sources of love can lead to becoming selfish or self centered. It's a steady whine of me me me. Improved communication involves learning to become other-centered. It is realizing that everyone has needs, interests and desires. Compromising rather than one sidedly demanding is the goal.

Thirdly, teaching how to love involves learning how to play, laugh and become a non-judgemental positive person. Families and couples actively engaged in play therapy sessions. We played as if we were young children being creative, supportive and grateful. New hobby development and risk taking was encouraged. It is learning to join the Experience Road of Life rather than continuing to live on the destructive Failure Road of Life. A greater understanding of these concepts is available in my recently released book “The Two Roads of Life”.

Regarding our country it has been too many years of being led by anger, hate and division. Facts become alternative facts. “Lies” become “truth” based on opinion not science. Selfishness, blame and scapegoating is the model we saw from the top leadership. Walls are up and lies and conspiracy theories are not confronted. Citizens become confused as trust in leadership deteriorates. Chaos erupted on January 6 within the walls of the United States Capitol.

What can we do? How can we stop this endless negativity? How do we work together to face our pressing issues? Will we ever trust each other again? The solution is in the song. We need to give and find love. It is a message that has been expressed throughout history. Love songs, stories and movies tell us that “All You Need is Love”. The major tenant of our religious beliefs are based upon a foundation of loving your fellow man.

It seems that our society has drifted far from that “love thy neighbor” message. In the Family as a Country model being able to find love and give love is a major foundation that balances a system of discipline or laws and rules. Love builds trust. Children/citizens feel more secure when experiences of good intentions are consistent with the actions of our parents/leadership.

Love is a multidimensional concept. It is the universe of all aspects of life on our planet. It is love of self or another as well as love of nature where everything is life. To find somebody to love is to love life in all its aspects from the smallest creatures to all of nature. Hate begets hate while love brings hope.

To become other-centered find the good in others to find the good in yourself. See the WOW in everything around us. A gray sky can be seen as an amazing painting of swirls of color and shades. I often gave parents and children the task of finding 5 positive things to say to each other every day. Wouldn’t it be nice to say good morning to each other and really mean it.

One of my favorite assignments I give couples is to never forget to keep courtship alive. Remember you fell in love with someone who tried to do all they could to impress upon you that they are that special person. When we stop courting, relationships tend to fall back on playing out the negative unresolved scripts of our childhood. Courtship is a test of time!

As a country we need to have a courtship with the world. See the beauty in all of life but don’t take it for granted. The traumatic climate changes we are facing reflects a relationship with our planet that is a prime example of a lack of courtship. Over time countries, business leaders and consumers took and took and rarely gave back. The planet in a sense is moving towards a divorce with humans as we face extinction.

In so many ways we can find love by giving love whether it is between people or to our planet’s other forms of life. Above all Truth must be genuine and sacred. Lies must be exposed and renounced. If we can trust each other we can accomplish the impossible. Give your time to volunteer with activities that helps others to be positive and grow. Lower your walls and let others show you love.

Michael Simon Ph.D

The Two Roads Of Life: Navigating Yourself and Family to Health and Contentment. PathBinder Publishing Co.